I’m not sure I understand the influx of body hair as we age. Hair is growing erratically all over my body, as if I am storing up for cold winters. Except I live in Texas where right now, in the middle of Summer, each day is roughly 167 degrees, and I just can’t find a good use for all this extra body hair.

Is it that we need more body hair as we age, because as we age we get colder? I know people get cold when they get old, but dude, I’m only 38. And even then, I am not producing body hair at the rate that will cover me like an ape. … Or maybe I am. And that thought scares me.

Isn’t it that as you get older you must be smarter with your money, not frivolous, spending on luxury body and face treatments? That’s really hard to do when you must schedule yourself to be waxed every six weeks. How about skin thinning and worse eyesight? These things aren’t conducive to having your hair ripped out or needing to pluck. Even at red lights in broad daylight which is, frankly, the best place to pluck as all women know, my eyes now fail me. Red lights only last for a mere 30 seconds or something anyway, and then I have to wait for the next red light to find the hairs that need to be plucked. Then the red light turns green again, and I drive away. Find the hairs, red light turns green, drive away. Find the hairs, red light turns green, drive away. I could always sit in the 167 degree heat in my driveway. But, really? I’m not ready to die.

What I’m saying is: I’m a middle-aged woman whose eyesight is waning, skin is thinning, body temperature lowering, and I’m trying to be more economical and mature with  my money. So getting regular waxing treatments is necessary, yes, but it seems like I’m missing a higher calling here. It seems like I’ve really missed the logical, clear reason that I have hair growing to at least a half inch out of my chin and in random places like that one lone hair out of my forehead and that one out of that… place…in my leg. I can’t even type it because it’s just too disgusting and although I’m sure you have one too (you can lie and say you don’t, but I know you do), I think I’ll just keep it to myself to sheild the younguns. We know it’s coming for them, but the element of surprise needs to remain intact.

Wish me luck. On Friday, I’ll go in for my regular waxing. What started out as an eyebrow wax, turned into unibrown. Then cheeks, then chin, and lip, dear god, the lip, which brings tears to my eyes. And now, it’s the pubic hair because we thirty-somethings still like to have sex and at least we can have SOMETHING that is going right for us. Finally, I’ll be getting the pits waxed, because well, why not?

My second point (the first point was really just: Why?) is: Is there anyone willing to purchase full body electrolysis for me? I’m open to receiving gifts.

Signed,

Your Hairy Shrink

P.S. I wonder if Brad got his waxed (see photo above).

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Dear Tom,

Nothing could be more beautiful that falling in love.You’re a hopeless romantic, I can tell.  You’ve won women over for years – something I can personally attest to. I would spend minutes upon minutes in my tiny bedroom singing “Take My Breath Away” at the top of my lungs, willing my white knight to walk through the door, henceforth living happily ever after. My white knight looked like you.  I was all but 13 and with raging hormones. You’re still my hero, Tom.

But for all the women like me in the world, in love with you – our statuesque romantic, I must speak out. You aren’t interested in mental health counselors like myself – I mean, who could forget the Matt Lauer debacle – but I just can’t keep quiet any longer. Let’s talk…

You’re a smart man.  You are majestic, shapely, and sharp. Except that I’m beginning to wonder if you have your eyes wide shut, Tom. You’ve had three wonderful women in your life, but now I’m beginning to think you’ve lost that loving feeling. I was so sad with the breakup of you and Nicole, but now with the breakup of you and Katie, it seems like the love you want is mission: impossible. While you have the lot of us women thinking you were one of but a few good men, we’re now hearing days and days of thunder in the Cruise home. Because of what, Scientology?

There comes a time when we can no longer live eyes wide shut – when we need to begin to reexamine some critical issues we bring to the table of our lives. Tom, you may no longer be the top gun. And while we want so much for you to be the “Valkyrie” we have come to know you as – our hero – it seems if there aren’t some very big changes, you’ll only end up on the minority report.

Look, change is risky business. Standing up for you what you believe in is noble, but deciding that some things need to be changed and then taking action is even more noble. We want that for you. I speak as the voice of all women who love you.

And I know, I know, you want to fight your beliefs till the death. Like the last samurai. We all do! I get it. But change can be liberating and freeing. Like being born on the fourth of July! Let freedom reign, Tom. Come to the light.

Tom, you’re our legend. You’ve got all the right moves and we’ll always have this endless love for you. Still, your relationship history is worrisome. I don’t want to see you become one of the outsiders. Yes, change can seem to be far and away, especially at your age. Change can seem like you’re being fed to wolves; like lions to lambs. But trust me, Tom, you’ll be over the hard part and life will open up like the vanilla sky!

Think about what I’ve said, Tom. And even though I was in love with you before so this may seem a bit stalkery, and I’m a shrink who you think is probably a little cuckoo, I hope you’ll take heed in what I’m saying. The changes you make could make the difference in night and day (or should I say knight and day? ha ha). Tom, you are our knight. We haven’t lost that loving feeling, and you still take our breath away. But, our eyes are now wide open, and I’m hoping yours are, too.

Let it rain, man. Like a tropic thunder! Let change happen.

Love and respect,

Your devoted Shrink

P.S. Dear GOD (or whoever the Scientologists pray to), would you take a look at that photo of yourself? You could play Christian Grey in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie with that pose. Whew!

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