Children Grow Like Dandelions

January 25, 2012

 

A previous client sent me am email with the above picture that said this reminded her of me and my “diagrams.”  It was a good laugh, and so true!  And, it so eloquently depicts what I’m feeling RIGHT NOW.  My mind is in “should I or shouldn’t I” mode.

I made a pact to myself once that when I hear a voice of doubt in my head, I will take that as a “No.”  Not maybe, or yes, but no.  I forget that rule.  Or, I override it, thinking that my own pact was silly. I mean, who AM I, God? (Inside joke with my husband.) I talk myself out of my own rational thinking and rule.

The world works so perfectly, it seems. Something cool happened last night, here’s how (okay, I admit, it will be like, really boring to most anyone that reads it, but I still need to purge)…

I was looking through the NPR website trying to find an article I’d stumbled upon on Facebook (read it here, it’s a good one).  I found the article, but then I clicked a link I didn’t mean to click, and a book title flashed up on the screen, “Welcome to Your Child’s Mind.”  And so, of course, I HAD to download that book asap to my Kindle, because I just love going into debt with books and books and books that I get so excited about but couldn’t possibly finish in my lifetime.

I started with a sample of the book (that’s the great thing about Kindle, you can read samples before you decide to buy the whole book – genius.) which started with the Forward, which said this:

“…self-control and other executive functions of the brain (like working memory, flexibile thinking, and resisiting the temptation to go on automatic (UH, ADD, anyone?)) ‘contribute to the development of children’s most important basic brain function: the ability to control their own behavior in order to reach a goal.’ Noting that self-control underlies so many capacities, from socialization to schoolwork, they state that ‘preschool children’s ability to resist temptation is a much better predictor of eventual academic success than their IQ scores.’ … we promote self-control not by making children sit still, chained to their desks, but my encouraging them to play.”

Can I get an amen?

But THEN, here’s where I started seeing signs from the Universe…the forward was WRITTEN by the same author of Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs.  And why is that a sign?  Because that book was on the Kindergarten teacher’s desk at a little school I just toured where I’m thinking of sending the girls.  AND, it was read almost all the way through.  AND, the teacher said all the things I totally believe to be true about play and learning and learning and play and being chained to desks.

But there’s more…

The friend that went with me to tour the school made mention of the “Mind In The Making” because she went to a book signing / talk of the author of “Einstein Didn’t Use Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn — and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less,” which is sitting on my side table as I type, and at the book signing, the author mentioned “Mind In the Making” as a resource to ALSO read for further review of the same great topic – educating kids and their wonderful brains.

All of these books, which I now have in my possession, thank you very much Kindle, all point to what I believe in my heart and soul and every shred of my being, which is this (from “Welcome To Your Child’s Brain”):

“There is a simple way to summarize much of the research on child development: children grow like dandelions…Children are not passive recipients of parenting or schooling, but active participants in every aspect of their own development.  From birth, their brains are prepared to seek out and make use of experiences that suit their individual needs and preferences. For this reason, brain development requires no special equipment or training, and most children find a way to grow in whatever conditions the world has to offer them…Genes provide the blueprints for your child’s individuality, but the plans are certain to be modified during construction depending on local conditions – not only your actions as parents, but also your child’s culture, neighborhood, teachers, and peers.  All this leads up to the major theme of this book:  your child’s brain raises itself.“

Heavens to Betsy.  I like the sound of that!

So there’s the pact to myself, the signs that tell me it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to educate my own kids, and the voice of one friend that keeps ringing in my head.  She said, “Jennifer, figure out what experience you want your own kids to have, and create that for them.  That’s all you have to do.”

My gut says no, I don’t want to do public school.  The signs all around me tell me I’m on the right track, and the voice in my head is saying, “Fucking do it!!”

And so, guess what I’m going to do?

Yep.

Signed,

Me

P.S. Don’t you just LOVE that visual – dandelions and kids?  I could cry a little bit.

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Does a Crazy Mom Yield Crazy Kids?

January 24, 2012

Mathematics homework

The jumbled thoughts in my head about the education of my children is all-consuming.  Morning, noon and night I’m thinking of how they should be educated, what schedule I should keep, what curriculum I should use, or whether I should put no thought into these things whatsoever and cart them off to public school like most all other parents.

And I ask myself…

Am I homeschooling because I have something to prove?  Like, I’m too GOOD for public schools?  Like, I think *I* could do a better job teaching my children than a trained, qualified, degreed teacher?  What gives me the right to think I can do this?

Here are my perceptions of public schools:

  • Kids spend all day, 8am to 3pm, in a building packed with other kids, vying for the attention of their teacher.  They rarely get one-on-one attention. They are just part of a bigger whole, and shuffled around from here to there, all day long.
  • The curriculum is chosen for the children without any input from the parents.
  • Little time to play.  In fact, play time can be used as a bargaining tool for kids.  ”Since you threw dirt in Sally’s hair, you won’t be able to play outside any longer.”
  • Field trips (i.e. real life adventures) are few and far between, and sort of a joke.  When you’re herding 10s of kids, can it really be educational?
  • Girls begin to worry about their clothing or their friends way more than the education they receive.  Just taking a stroll through the local mall makes me want to lose my lunch.
  • There are extra curricular activities like art, choir, band, and sports – something all children need!
  • Teachers are teaching to the test.  Without high test scores, the schools don’t get funding, and without funding, there are low-quality teachers, out date textbooks, too-little textbooks, special programs and salaries are kept low.  But…aren’t these pretty true even without the test scores?
  • There is little freedom to just BE.  The kids are shuffled here and there all day long, which translates as lack of imaginative playtime!  Don’t kids need to play?
  • If your child doesn’t fall within the bell curve, there’s a problem – for the child, parents, teachers and everyone involved!  One-on-one teaching to the child does not exist; therefore, no child is unique.
  • There’s too. much. homework!  Children are already at school for hours on end, only to be sent home with loads and loads of homework!  Kids aren’t able to just. be. kids. *sigh*
I haven’t sent my kids to a public school, I haven’t taught in a public school, and I haven’t stepped foot in one in over 7 years.  Here’s what experience I do have:
  • I was a kid once myself.  Granted, it was 20 years ago now that I graduated high school, but the trauma is still etched in my memory.  (And the good things, I’ll admit that, too.)
  • 7 years ago I led middle-school counseling sessions with at-risk kids as part of the “Safe and Drug Free Schools” funding. (See here that the funding has since been cut.  *shock*.)
  • I’ve had in my office as a therapist:  teachers, administrators, counselors, police officers, parents, and kids all who were, at the time of their visit, connected to the schools and were able to tell me hair-raising horror stories that made my stomach churn at the thought of my kids being part of that.  One teacher even told me she would give anything to be able to not send her own child to the school at which she was teaching (life circumstances prevented that from happening at the time).
  • One teacher said that her kindergarten kids became so overcome with anxiety at having to take a computerized test, and not knowing which was the “right” answer, so as the kid went into hysterics, the teacher just pushed the button for the kids, so they could both move on from the arduous task.
  • School counselors have confided that they don’t get to be counselors at all!  And, there sure is a need from what I hear and witness.  The counselors are test-givers, apparently.
  • Frazzled parents confide in me on a weekly basis about how stressed out and tired their kids are from all the HOMEWORK!
  • Kids come to my office in droves (it seems) with stories of how they are being bullied, and they want to commit suicide as a result.  They are tired.  They are stressed.  They can’t be themselves.  They can’t be smart…
  • Oh yes, they can’t be smart.  Kids tell me being smart “isn’t cool.”  WHAT?  It’s not cool to have As, apparently.  So I’m told.
But those are just my experiences.  And yes, I live in a therapy bubble.  I get that.
There are cons to homeschooling, too:
  • Kids are all up in my grill all. day. long. Except for when I’ve shuffled them to this class or that class or this event or that program, they are with ME because I am Mom and Teacher to them.
  • I’m shuffling kids here and there all. day. long. Except for when we aren’t shuffling, which is when they are home and all up in my grill.  And the “all up in my grill” time often means we have “seat time” which is our learning time.
  • I have to create the day for my children, it’s not created for them (except for when they are playing freely and in abundance, which they do, and OFTEN).  This is only a negative because I have to be in teacher mode all. the. time.  Constantly thinking and planning their days.  I don’t have the luxury of sending them off to a school where someone else does that for them.
  • There is no group play, unless I create it.  Group and cooperative play is important – kids need it!  They need to learn to share, wait their turn, wait in line, and work through conflict.  This only happens when they are around other people.  At a public school, I imagine these skills are learned like, all day long!  At home, they aren’t.  These situations have to be “created” – they aren’t naturally produced. (i.e. we have playdates!)
  • It’s expensive.  You wouldn’t think of homeschooling as expensive, but my experience now that I’ve been doing it is – it is!  My kids are involved in 4 educational programs that I’ve “created” for them each week, all which require money.  This doesn’t include curriculum I’ve purchased, art supplies, school room supplies, computers, and play date paraphernalia - all geared, in some form or fashion, toward learning.
Okay, I’ve purged.
And here’s the thing.  Maybe I’m wrong about public schools.  I could be so, so incredibly wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong, that I’m missing out on a WORLD of greatness there!  And I’m dying – just DYING for someone to tell me I am!  Please, please, please tell me I have it all wrong – that public schools aren’t that way.  I want to hear all the wonderful things there is to know about public education.  And then I could do this…
  • Save money.
  • Save time.
  • Have sanity.
But I would miss this, I suppose…
  • Time with my kids. Their trips to the Museum of Nature and Science, the Zoo, the Arboretum, the MALL – all during the day, while all the other kids are being shuffled like sardines down crowded halls.
  • Time with my kids. Full. On. Discussions about the anything and everything, because that discussion may hit at 10:33am, and I’m there to be part of it.  Like, Which state is the BIGGEST and which one has the prettiest flower?  And, How many minerals does THIS rock have, Mommy?  Let’s crack it open and see!  And, Read that story about Rosa Parks one more time, and tell me what a protest is and WHY would someone bring a brown man to the United States in CHAINS? And, Why is this the hottest part of the day? And what day is the longest day of the year again?
  • Time with my kids. At the iMax – in the middle of the day, when we’re the only ones in the theater.
  • Time with my kids. At lunch!  And I’m not talking cafeteria food, people.
  • Time with my kids. At the butterfly exhibit!  Because, that’s just what we wanted to do today, spur of the moment.
  • Time with my kids. Going on a hike.  Looking for minerals. Collecting rocks.  And watching the maple leaves change colors.
  • Time with my kids. In our PJs. Watching Mr. Penguins Poppers.  BECAUSE. WE. CAN.
So, maybe, in purging and processing, I’ve realized I really don’t want to be convinced.  That even if public schools are so great and wonderful and all the cool kids are doing it, that I don’t want to do it because I can’t part with my kids.  That I want to be with them doing all the wonderful things I get to do with them, experiencing life through their eyes, and hearing the wonderment in their voice when they learn something new.  It is perfect. And grand. And lovely.  I could NOT imagine another day than the crazy-assed, chaotic, all up in my grill, busy days we have.
But then I wonder….is that what THEY want?
*sigh*  I think I’ll call my shrink now…
Signed,
Your Indecisive Shrink

 

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November Gratitude: Day 5 and 6

November 6, 2011

Today, I am thankful for these things:

This cup of love is a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks.  I take mine nonfat, decaffeinated (for the hips and for the baby, of course). But it’s still so incredibly divine, my eyes roll back into my head with every sip of creamy, chocolaty goodness.  One taste on my tongue, and I’m in heaven.

I’m also thankful for:

So many things…

But if I’m choosing just one, this is it:

A sleeping baby.

This photo isn’t MY baby.  Shyeah, like she sleeps.  And if she did sleep, I wouldn’t be CRAZY enough to go snapping flash photography in her face, risking the possibility of her being startled by one little *click* and her popping her eyes wide open, staring me dead center in my eyes, and saying with those big blueberries, “Hi Mom. Pick me up now!”  Then she smiles.  And then I do.

Nevertheless, she sleeps some, and I am thankful for those times.

I am a thankful Shrink.

Amen.

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November Gratitude: Day 4

November 4, 2011

Today, I’m thankful for this:

It’s a built-in radio and CD player, mounted under the kitchen cabinet.

At first glance, this doesn’t look like much.  But, it’s MUCH.

This little gadget (appliance? gadget? what is this?  Okay, radio.) is something I would never spend money on.  I would never splurge and spend $100 to actually put something like this in my kitchen, despite the fact that I’ve admired these little things for years, and I could very well see myself using it.

And guess what?

The new house already has one!

Now, I can listen to The Diane Rehm Show! She’s on KERA, 90.1, just in case you haven’t heard of her (and you definitely should listen, I think!).

It’s been years since I was able to regularly listen to the Diane Rehm Show, and that makes me sad.  About 5 years to be exact.  Ever since my twins were born.

I’m the type of mom that just prefers conversation in the car over music.  When I’m alone, it’s my time to talk on the phone and catch up with friends.  When I’m with my kids, I talk to them.  They are such a fun age to talk to, but before they could really even carry on a conversation with me, I talked to them, and they babbled back, cooed back, and talked in broken sentences back. They became good conversationalists.  When Lily and Ayla would say things like, “Actually, I don’t want milk, I want orange juice,” and they were just 3 years old, I knew that was because I taught them to talk like that – just by talking with them!  So easy, learning is.

“I prefer the purple PJs instead of the pink ones.”

“Actually, it was Sarah who said it.”

“What Daddy said was so interesting!”

“The monarch butterfly is amazing! (Thank you, Wild Kratts.)”

“You know what’s so fascinating, Mom?”

Diane Rehm is a conversationlist, but she talks AT you instead of WITH you, and to my daughters, her topics would be boring (“Addressing the Prescription Drug Shortages,” “Military and Veteran Suicide Rates,” “Declining US Bat Population” – you see my point…).  But to me…

Diane Rehm ROCKS!  And this morning, I got to listen to an entire HOUR of Diane while I piddled around my new kitchen.

Piddled.

That sounds like I peed.  I probably did that, too.  But not in the kitchen.

In the kitchen, I listened to Diane Rehm.

Today, I am thankful for the built-in radio and Diane Rehm.

Signed,
Your Thankful Shrink

 

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November Gratitude: Day 3

November 4, 2011

Yes, I’m posting this Day 3 gratitude note on Day 4 f the month.  So sue me!  I can be grateful for more than one thing today, don’t you worry.

Today, I’m grateful for this:

Ayla’s smile.

I was looking through photos for another thing I’m doing over THERE (my life is so categorized and sectioned off and full of projects with this, that and the other thing), and I ran across this photo of Ayla that just made my heart flutter.

This photo was taken this Summer during the lemonade stand.

I am thankful beyond all words, and have more love than any one person should ever be allowed to have in this lifetime, for my precious daughter…Ayla.

She is so loveable.

Signed,
Loving Shrink

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Wordless Wednesday: Gratitude

by Jennifer November 2, 2011 In Session
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November Gratitude

by Jennifer November 2, 2011 In Session

Today, I am thankful to finally be moved into our new house. After 4 months of house selling, house searching, and house packing, we are now moved in, albeit swimming in a sea of boxes, thank you very much. I am grieving my old house. And in this time of grief, it’s important to remember [...]

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10 Reasons I’m Going Crazy

by Jennifer October 19, 2011 In Session
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My Office Manager Drinks Bellini’s At Lunch Because I Stress Her Out

by Jennifer October 18, 2011 Easy Life
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Dress as An Emotion for Halloween

by Jennifer October 17, 2011 Shrink Jokes

So I was at a family cookout this weekend, and my cousin’s mother’s girlfriend (it’s confusing, just let it go…) told me a shrink joke.  It’s what people do when they find out I’m a shrink. I’m sharing the joke here, but here’s a warning… this joke is a little on the ugly side!  If [...]

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